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Vol. Ill December, 1921 



No. 28 




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^!s the story! 

If our Winter Annuals had been loaded at one time Cap- 
tain Billy would have filled an entire mail train. Here- 
after, G- 'or will have 1 
Ban. 1 because of our enor- 

lull month, a!! > be 

and you: 
fun, 

' BILLY. 



— I 



Captain Billy's 

Whiz Bang 



IIIHI!l!lllllllinilllli:il!l!!!llllll!!lll!illllllliiP 




America's Magazine of 

Wit, Humor and 

Filosophy 



DECEMBER, 1921 



Vol. III. No. 28 



Published \\T T_J T7oi«/»fitt at Robbinsdale, 
Monthly « v • **• rdWlClL, Minnesota 

Rural Route No. 2 

Entered as second - class matter May. I, 1920, at the post office at 

Robbinsdale. Minnesota, under the 

Act of March 3. 1879. 

Price 25 cents $2.50 per year 

ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL 



Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part 
permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang. 



HIIHIIHIIilllililHMiiirmmiiiiiiinmtiiiiiiiiiiiiiinmimHiNintllllltll 



"We have room for but one soul loyalty and that ie 
loyalty to the American people. — Theodore Roosevelt. 



Copyright 1921 
By W. H. Fawcett 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. 
Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news 
stands or by direct mail to RobLLisdale. We join in no 
clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a 
year in advance. 



Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and 
dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



!Jiiirrn]iiniimiiiiihi minimi mil i [minimi mini 



piilllillllllllllllllilliliBiillllllllllllllilllllllllllim 

1 Drippings From the Fawcett j 

iniiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiii«iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiii[iiii!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiw 

IT IS a long jump from a one-horse town 
like Robbinsdale to the land of deciduous 
fruits, forbidden fruits, fruitless fruits, 
movie stars, reformers, abilone euff links, out- 
door plumbing and all-night burglar service — 
meaning California, of course. 

I am at this writing occupying a room in 
that well known San Francisco hostelry which 
"Fatty" Arbuckle tried to convert into an ice- 
house. The only kick I have against the St. 
Francis is that the room clerk assigned me to 
twin beds. Being of a bullsheviki theosophical 
frame of mind and also very lonesome, I moved 
the other twin alongside my twin and slept 
soundly ever after. 

Lolled around for two weeks at the Alex- 
andria, in Los Angeles, and before that at a 
hotel at Coronado that fairly "oozed" hos- 
pitality, although older than the handles on 
Solomon's wheelbarrow. 

There is an ancient quip about the three 

divisions of liars — plain liars, d liars and 

Native Sons. Also there used to be one that 
went something like this: "The miners came 
in '49 and the janes in '51," etc., etc. But they 



imuiitmiiiiimiiii 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



are both all wrong. Despite what Gus' brother 
said about Robbinsdale not being a one-horse 
town after he had spent a week wearing the 
"white wing" vestments, I am willing to admit 
that Los Angeles and San Francisco have 
opened the eyes of an inquisitive farmer from 
the aforesaid Robbinsdale. 

They seem to have everything here including 
the Whiz Bang — and in this connection permit 
an old farmer the privilege of remarking that 
the leading California news distributors, 
Egbert Brothers, tell me the little old Banger 
leads all 25-cent magazines in California in the 
matter of circulation. 

So Robbinsdale is on the map in California 
even if we don't call our hen-coops "Renaissance 
architecture" and our dog-houses "Colonial 
garages." 

* * * 

WE LANDED in Los Angeles just in time 
to plunk down in the center of a quarrel 
between expert fanatics and the motion 
picture people. A flock of moonbeam-chasing 
neurasthenic preachers insist that evil was not 
brought into the world by the serpent in Eden 
but was created by Thomas Edison, who in- 
vented the motion picture machine. 

The latest synthetic scheme of the reformers 
calls for Los Angeles censorship for every 
picture manufactured and exhibited in the city. 
If the "long hairs" get away with it — and we 
don't think they will — it will be a huge moral 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 

vcitory. Los Angeles youth will then be lim- 
ited to such amusement as may be gleaned from 
shooting craps, joy-riding, dancing at road- 
houses, poker and looking for one's umbrella. 

This umbrella story has spinach on it, but 
in small towns like Robbinsdale it is still good. 
Has to do with the church-goer who arose hur- 
riedly and left the church as the pastor was in 
the midst of reading the Ten Commandments. 
He explained to the pastor afterward that it 
had just been recalled to his memory where he 
had left his umbrella. 

However, we didn't travel all the way out 
to California to find our umbrella — or to lose 
one — and it is nobody's business except our old 
Minneapolis friend, Dick Ferris, if we did. 
Dick is living at the Alex in Los Angeles and 
is one of Southern California's most popular 
and esteemed citizens. Dick has begun bobbing 
his hair since his early days in Minneapolis, 
but says that if hair was brains an old-fash- 
ioned parlor sofa would be vice president. 

Dick is one of the best entertainers in the 
Southland. One can step inside the "Ferris 
Harem" almost any time of day or night and 
meet anybody from "diggers of the ditches" to 
the "dignitaries of the ducats." 

Roscoe Sarles, famous race driver; Bill 
Pickens, Barney Oldfield's old manager; Julian 
Eltinge, the actor; Harry Grayson, sports 
editor of the Express; "Scotty" Chisholm, golf 
editor and star; King Young publicity director 



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Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



for Kathrine MacDonald's pictures; Ham 
Beall, another publicity director extraordinary; 
Bob Henderson, wealthy oil operator and owner 
of the most beautiful home I have ever spilled 
ashes in — these are only a few of the legion 
of good fellows with whom I had the pleasure 
of swapping stories at the Ferris chateau. 



AND speaking of stories, I attended a 
Motion Picture Press Agents' banquet 
and heard a good one on the reformers. 
According to the story, Rev. Wilbur F. Crafts 
was addressing an audience of the hoi poili and 
he started off bombastically like this: "You 
cigar suckers; you cigarette suckers; you pipe 
suckers — " At this juncture a tenor voice in 
the rear of the hall sung out: "Hey, Doc, you 
ain't going to forget us, are you?" Evidently 
a willy boy with an all-day sucker in his hand. 

Getting back to Dick Ferris, the former 
Minneapolis theatrical magnate, is head of a 
big taxi concern and on the side is a "promoting 
fool." Rummaging around in one of Dick's 
dresser drawers, I ran across a box containing 
a pair of white silk pajamas. Inside was a card 
which, in feminine scrawl, informed Dick that 
they were to be worn when "Alone — and Feel- 
ing Blue." Dick hasn't been able to wear them 
— says he hasn't felt blue since Mt. Lassen was 
a small hill. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



irilllllllNHllllllltlllllHIIIIIIItllttlllltllliir 



DURING our busy two weeks in Los An- 
geles we found time to accept invitations 
to inspect several motion picture studios, 
among them Universal City and the Katherine 
MacDonald studio. Miss MacDonald is a very 
charming and very good-looking young woman 
— and we feel sorry that such estimable young 
artists as Miss MacDonald, Miss Bebe Daniels 
and others must suffer some of the reflected 
criticism that is brought against the motion 
picture colony by the antics of some of the 
lame-brained and low-browed satyrs and 
satellites. 

Out at Universal, Director Eddie Laemmle 
grabbed a picture of us in a wild-west scene — 
a Minnesota farmer entirely surrounded by 
cowboys and "Injuns." 

While in the south I also enjoyed a trip to 
Tia Juana, the Mexican Monte Carlo, just 
across the border from San Diego. Started to 
fly down from Rogers' airport in Los Angeles, 
but had to confine my aerial pilgrimage to a 
jaunt over the city and beaches. They don't 
allow American planes to fly across the border 
because there is so much booze running. 

% * % 

THROUGH the good offices of the Oil King 
of Breckenridge, Texas, Bob Henderson, 
it was our fortune to meet Vice Admiral 
Wm. Shoemaker. We were gathered in Bob's 
magnificent home in Los Angeles, formerly oc- 
cupied by Mary Pickford and Mary Miles Min- 



8 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



ter (on the q. t., folks, you'll have to admit it 
was pretty soft for a decrepit old Robbinsdale 
farmer) indulging in the ornery duties of test- 
ing the champagny contents of Robert's cellar. 

It was while the sparkling bubbles bubbled 
that the subject of a visit to Admiral Shoe- 
maker's Pacific fleet bobbed up. Next day we 
received a personal invitation from the Ad- 
miral, who insisted that we board his barge at 
the San Pedro dock. On the Red River of the 
North my Dad hauled wheat for the Northern 
Pacific railroad in a barge and not having been 
on speaking terms with naval language I 
assumed that a barge was a heluvan ugly look- 
ing thing. 

Imagine my surprise, please, when the bare- 
foot jackies heaved ho with an immaculate 
launch with three golden stars. Pretty soft 
for a hardened old rascal, I claim. We rolled 
on to the Flagship "Pennsylvania" and were 
greeted by the Admiral's aide, Lieut. L. S. 
Lewis. It was my first view of a battleship 
and at once I was impressed with the fact that 
the "Pennsylvania" probably could have licked 
any of the numerous boats that father once 
owned on the Red River. I was surprised to 
learn that the 14-inch guns I had read about 
were really about 40 feet long instead of 14 
inches. 

Anyway, we had a delightful time aboard 
the "Pennsylvania" and it was the first time 
in my life I ever cussed Josephus Daniels (say il 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



iii<iii!ili!tiiiilili!i]|iliiiiiiiiiiitri[ii:iiiiim:iniii 



sweet and low: "gawscli dam Mm") J ^ a ^ £ drink tea. 

But the Admiral was a wonderful fellow— hale, 
hearty and well met. We exchanged anecdotes 
and spent a grand, though dry afternoon. 
Lieutenant Lewis and his crew of noblemen 
returned us to the dock in the starry BARGE. 
Now in the day of retrospection I fain would 
believe that the Admiral or his aide must have 
been in collusion with the "Pennsylvania" gobs 
because every last one of them either was bare- 
footed or reading Sam Clark's Jim Jam Jems 
or the little old Banger. Wonderful fellows, 
these jackies, but the pesky cusses just insisted 
on looking onward and upward (mostly up- 
ward) when the fairly formed feminines in the 
party mounted from deck to deck. They just 
couldn't control their naughty eyes. Possibly 
it had something to do with Bull of the Dur- 
ham, for I am told that the sailor boys love 

to roll their own. 

* * * 

NOW, Gentle Readers of this journal of 
uplift, I have one little wee surprise for 
you. Gus, my old time hired man, who 
jumped the job two months ago, located and 
surprised me at the Alexandria. Gus is a 
pestiferous cuss and has the faculty of bobbing 
up at the crucial moment. My "supply" had 
given out and promptly, even more promptly 
than had been his will to paint boats at Breezy 
Point Lodge, he supplied the missing medicine. 
It was "terrible stuff" but with the sailor boys 



10 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



I 



I'll say — Any port in a storm. His juniper 
juice created a tempest within me but I was 
glad nevertheless once again to shake the hoary 
hand of toil. 

In parting I slipped Gus a five simoleon 
note. He whispered that he was "on the rocks" 
and hadn't worked since he left Minnesota. 
We then and there entered into a gentleman's 
agreement that he never again would work for 
me unless his duties would be solely acting as 
Indian guide &t Breezy Point at a wage of 
nothing — except the maternal or fraternal 
friendship of Maggie, our cook. Gus loves 
Maggie, I think, but better still, he loves her 
flapjacks. 

Adios to you, Gustav, and here's hoping I 
don't see you till the fishing season next spring. 

H 1 ^ =£ 

UST one more drop or so before turning 
off the tap. It happened to be my good 
luck to be invited by Bill Eltinge, better 
known in the theatrical world as Julian, to at- 
tend a stag party in honor of the Los Angeles 
and Vernon baseball teams at the Maier brew- 
ery in Los Angeles. Doc Stone was master of 
ceremonies and he treated us lonely two hun- 
dred homeless and wifeless old stags in a royal 
manner. From a purely personal standpoint 
there was but one action that marred the entire 
evening. After being entertained to a realistic 
view of the grand canyon and a wonderful 
dance performed by Slim Summerfield and 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 11 

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Bobby Dunn of the Fox studio, the right hon- 
orable toastmaster called on "Captain Billy 
Whiz Bang" to recitate. Imagine a rube farmer 
trying to spread the fertilizer over the raths- 
keller of an up-to-date Loz Onglaz brewery. 
Impossible, I'll say. 

Here I had been trying all evening to "put 
on the dog" with Frank Chance of Cub fame 
next to me, Julian Eltinge, world renowned 
actor, to my right, Dick Ferris, best known 
privateer in the public eye in front of me, not 
to mention such luminaries as Bill Essick, 
Wade Killifer, Larry McGraw and Jack Mii- 
ligan all around. Then there was "Shine" 
Scott doing the honors back of the "near" beei 
bar, and "Shine" is well known to every ball 
player on the Pacific Coast. Oh, by the way, I 
certainly cannot overlook the immortal Tod 
Sloan. Either I followed Tod or he followed 
me because it was my good fortune to drink 
Manhattans with him in the Sunset Inn at Tia 
Juana and near beer near here. 

Now, readers, to tell the truth, it's quite 
trying to write about this wonderful party 
while the writer has a perfectly good Scotch 
highball on the desk beside him. (Here goes 
another "Happy Day.") 

One must, as one says, review one's bunk 
to see where one's left off. Talk about South- 
ern hospitality, well, give me the Coast. Any- 
way, I never made the speech. How could I 



12 



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Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



after El tinge had brought tears of joy to mem- 
bers of this famous gathering? 

Like the lowly backward shyster of pedi- 
greed bull that I am, I failed to carry out the 
principles of my "deah" old friend Volstead. 
(This effort calls for one Scotch heeball.) So 
I walked upon the brewery stage. And when 
I made my bow I'll tell you one thing which 
every ball player and umpire of Southern Cali- 
fornia will verify. The stein of near beer was 
clutched fondly in my sturdy right hand. 

It was a rotten speech — in fact, no speech at 
all. My Los Angeles physician had prescribed 
that I take "one tablespoonful in milk every 
hour." The milkman and my watch both went 
hay-wire. 

But I had a good time— an elegant time and 
awakened next day with fond remembrances of 
the morning after the night before. 

* * * 

THERE are still a few rumbling in San 
Francisco regarding Arbuckle and his 
now famous party. The stories they tell 
are wonderful to listen to by way of teaching 
us farmers what strange means certain persons 
have devised to get a kick out of life. 

For instance, as my friend Barney Google 
would say, take this little "roomer": 

Two of the numerous members of the party 
decided to entertain their guests — the party 
was "dragging" as it were. The form of en- 
tertainment provided so I am told, was the kind 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 13 



few of us number among our accomplishments. 
Somehow or other, we have never gotten over 
that old-fashioned idea that certain ceremonies 
listed in the regular catalog or otherwise, are 
not for an audience. Rather, they are for 
occasions dedicated solely to the gods and our- 
selves. 

And then there was another. That when 
certain restrictive measures were indulged in, 
the Arbuckle counsel had it whispered about 
that should things get too strong, the defense 
might allow the names of certain men and 
women, socially prominent in San Francisco, 
to be introduced as possible witnesses to testify 
as to the actual happenings. 

Needless to say, the well known Mr. and 
Mrs. Consternation immediately entered upon 
the scene. 

♦ # ♦ 

AND there was Captain Al Waddell, who 
commanded a battery in our late fracas. 
Al is the boy who made a hero out of 
Cliff Durant out here — really put over the son 
of the "Master Mind" of the automotive world, 
W. C. Durant. Al, who knows everybody and 
everything in California, might have made a 
fortune in writing a Hearst feature about the 
Durant divorce — but he's too busy selling the 
Perfecto two-speed axles for Fords — whatever 
they may be. 

It seems that for six years young Cliff had 
been telling his wife what to do. When he re- 



14 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



«lftni!ilMiiiii:!'r:i!jpsnim:un[iiMiiiii.[ niiimi<ii;iii>i uiiiiiiiiisiiirrrriiiiiiinii 



turned from an important conference in New 
York with his dad, who was still president of 
the General Motors, she calmly announced : 

"For six years I've been listening to you tell 
me what to do. Now for six seconds just listen 
to me tell you what to do." The inside of the 
bomb contained these sweet tidings: "Just give 
me one-half of what you own.*' 

Since Cliff was worth eight or ten millions, 
you'll advise it was disastrous news from the 
front, inasmuch as she "made it stick." 

And now, so the story goes, Cliff won't have 
to worry and fret about any mysterious look- 
ing gentleman coming to stop at his hotel at 
Le Bee when he blows in. 

THERE'S another echo from the town of 
fogs and poodle dogs that doesn't ring 
of Robbinsdale. 

Just shortly after that infamous Howard 
Street Gangsters affair the police raided a 
"Love Nest." It seems that, regardless of race, 
creed or color (or sex) you indulged your fav- 
orite diversion while in the "Love Nest" with 
your neighbor. Inasmuch as minors were in- 
volved, there was another "Roman holiday" 
expected for those who would crowd the 
prisons. Just when they were getting ready 
to point thumbs down, the defense asked for 
continuance. "And on what grounds?" de- 
manded the prosecution. 

"So that we may bring witnesses — women of 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 15 



MilftmiimtiniintimiiiiiMiiii! 



high social rank in the city — to testify, by way 
of the indisputable means of photographs, that 
my clients are nothing more than artistic 
photographers, specializing in taking photos of 
women in the nude." 

It is a rather singular fact that the con- 
tinuance was granted, that little more was 
heard about the case and that instead of being 
sent to San Quentin for fifty years th3 de- 
fendants got off with light sentences. 

Asked how they could account for these 
women posing in the Altogether, one of the 
"Artistic photographers" replied, "Well, every 
woman seems to feel that she has the form 

divine." 

* * * 

RUNNING across old friends is one of the 
best things you do on these jamborees. 
Here in 'Frisco I found two old Minne- 
apolis Journal men holding down important 
jobs — Jim Callahan, now business manager of 
the Examiner and generally considered one of 
Hearst's "right hand" men, and Chris Helin, 
manager of The Examiner's Automobile De- 
partment. I am sorry to say that they are both 
back sliders and wouldnt' trade the nip of the 
peninsula for half of Minnesota. 

Funny how these fellows go loco when they 
reach California. Really, folks, you wouldnt' 
expect your friends to try to sell you real 
estate, would you? 



16 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



MY VISIT to San Francisco was the first 
since 1904, when I came home from do- 
ing my Spanish-American war "bit" in 
the Philippines. She's a different city since 
the fire. California is a great state for new 
building — buildings going up here and every- 
where. Among other enterprises they are 
building a lot of old missions, I understand. 

Saw a sign over a Mission street doorway 
reading: "Virtue & Co., Ltd." It used to be 
"unlimited" here back in the Dupont street days 
in 1904, but I thought that had all gone with 
Barbary Coast. 

Am off for New York but hope now to come 

back later. 

* * * 

Canadian Stuff 

A little glass of near-beer; 

A little drop of ether, 

Will make the world spin merrily, 

In any kind of weather. 

* * * 

Times Are Improving 

"How's business?" asked the passenger. 

"Better," said the conductor as he shoved 
his hands in his pockets, "I can feel the change 
already." 

Fable of a Sap 

He sltteth and enjoyeth 
The Evening 
And Spendeth only 
His Time. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 17 



iritntiinttMiiimiinirriiniiiiniMiiiiTHimTiiiii 



An Opulent Love Letter! 

Oh, dearie! just the lucid thought of your 
love, yes just to think of it fills my combined 
heart and soul with the most limpid fulgency. 
Every time I think of you my erotic pumping 
organ vibrates all through my body. It is just 
your love that keeps my soul from sacrifice. One 
minute I imagine you are exulting your thought 
on me in the most wonderful way, and then I 
feel, Oh, so strong and lusty, and it encounters 
the greatest exultation of my life, but before 
I know it the door flies open and the entire 
thought escapes without impetus, and then the 
next thing to come is a thought rather much 
undesirable. 

I just imagine you think very little of me 
and that you are keeping it concealed just to 
see how jejune you can drain my poor heart 
from that pure living love of yours, and, Oh! 
it makes me feel so impotent that I want to loll 
my life away. It is just the lack of your levity 
that hurts, and my heart turns gelid and cold 
but after I carry that muse for a minute then 
the most mellifluous thought comes to my mind 
telling me that you are thinking of me in the 
most elegant way and my eyes fly wide open 
with fraught fulgency and I feel as though I 
am floating on a lovely pink cloud eating ice 
cream smothered in violets, and Oh ! 

It's a strong stomach that has no turning. 



18 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



In Good 

"Grace is in luck." 
"How so?" 

"Two fellows are calling on her. One is a 
florist and the other owns a candy store." 

* # * 

How Otherwise? 

Eve bad no Christmas, 

Neither did Adam, 

Never wore socks, 

Nobody bad 'em, 

Never got cards. 

Nobody did, 

Did they enjoy Christmas — 

We'll say they did! 

# # * 

Pat and Mike Stuff 

An Irishman, who was very drunk, was rid- 
ing on the back platform of an old-fashioned 
trolley car, and with every pitch and swerve 
he would sway and nearly fall off. The con- 
ductor's warning to be seated inside were 
waived aside with "I'm all right." 

Soon the car swung around a curve where 
the bank was steep and rocky. The Irishman 
swayed and pitched head-long down the bank, 
being badly bruised and knocked unconscious. 
While being carried back up the bank he 
regained consciousness and asked: "Was any- 
one hurt in the wreck?" 

"There wasn't any wreck," replied the 
conductor. "Begorra!" exclaimed the Irish- 
man: "If I had known that I wouldn't have 
jumped." 



Captain Billv's Whiz Bang 19 

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The City of Lost Angels 

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The following article, written by Rev. GoUghtly Morrill, 
was inspired by a tour he made of the movie camps two 
years ago. We cannot agree that Rev. Morrill's description 
fits the present day Hollywood and Los Angeles. Indeed, 
zve found the situation Quite pleasing. It is true thaJ: Los 
Angeles is brimful of wim, wigor and zvitalitv, and why 
shouldn't it be? If one zvas to take a thousand of the world's 
most beautiful zcomen and implant them on Robbinsdale's 
virgin soil, or in any other town, Rev. Morrill would find 
as much to scorch his burning pen. So before you read this, 
gentle reader, let's give three cheers for California.. — The 
Editor. 

BY REV. "GOLIGHTLY" MORRILL 
Pastor, People's Church, Minneapolis, Minn. 

ONE NIGHT I went out from Los Angeles 
with my moral telescope to make some 
observations in the movie firmament. 
Music was playing-, but the Muse of Music 
would never recognize it. In Collins' Ode, 
Music was a "heavenly rnaid," played in Greece 
and was Wisdom's aid, chaste and sublime — 
perhaps, but not here. It was jazz gone drunk 
and crazy, to the great delight of prodigal sons 
and daughters. 

Through clouds of cigarette smoke I saw 
the movie stars. These "heavenly bodies" have 
very earthly souls. Some were fixed stars at 



20 | Captain ^BiUls Whiz Bang 

tables, others falling into partners' arms, and 
shooting stars were shooting love glances at 
each other. Some other stars seemed votaries 
of Astarte, the licentious goddess to whom a 
temple has been erected in Hollywood, where 
I was entertained by a French countess, who 
regaled me with tea, fresh cakes and a veritable 
Madame de Stael (not stale) vivacious conver- 
sation on travel, music, art, literature and 
religion. Although she was French, I fully 
understood her good English accent and 
gesture, as I did the meaning of her charming 
sister who went to the piano and sang, "I love 
you." Morals and movies are not inseparable. 
Hollywood is the modern Daphne Grove where 
the Seventh of the Ten Commandments is fre- 
quently forgotten or erased. 

Southern California, the "land of the flea," 
is also an artists' paradise. The paint most 
advertised is cosmetics. The dearest paintings 
I noticed were those walking on the streets. 
The Angelenos are expert painters of scenery 
and theatre signs, of auto bodies, and of their 
own faces with liquor. But why is art neces- 
sary at all? They have climate, and that 
divides the honor with charity in covering a 
multitude of sins. Nature has placed all Cali- 
fornia artists in the shade by placing on her 
easel the matchless pieces of sea, field and 
mountain. Practical art is found in the "draw- 
ings" of gold ore from the soil and money 
from the pockets of the speculators. The water 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 21 



color is irrigation that turns the brown earth 
green. The "oil" is petroleum from which 
modern mining masters are making millions 
compared with the price the oils of the old mas- 
ters bring. Murder is one of the fine arts of Los 
Angeles, promoted by autos which assume the 
pedestrian has no rights and deliberately 
knock him right and left and leave him bruised 
and bleeding. The trouble is not so much wine 
as auto-intoxication. There is an auto to every 
thirteen inhabitants, which may account for so 
many unlucky accidents. The auto roads in 
the state are the finest in the world. They 
can't be called "rotten" even though they are 
made from decomposed granite. 

Most attractive are the beaches near Los 
Angeles. Here caterpillar trams crawl along, 
sidewalks which swarm with gum-chewers, 
popcorn-munchers, gingerale-guzzlers, peanut- 
masticators, hawkers of red hot dogs, spitters 
of tobacco, ice cream cone venders, stylish 
freaks and freakish styles, nice and naughty 
men, good and bad girls, and roller skaters. I 
grew dizzy at Ferris wheels, aeroplanes, roller- 
coasters, the plunge bath of the great un- 
washed, pavilions of dirt, drink, dancing and 
dissipation. Over all there hung a Cologne 
variety of smells. Couples were swinging in 
pier dance halls to ragtime orchestras. There 
were high dives in the water, and low dives on 
the street where the innocent were doped, 
debauched and robbed. Noise was raised to the 



22 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



ii!tiiiiiiiiiiiii|jiii]i!it!iriii:miiii:ii]iii',;:iiimi!inu(]!i timiiirrimjiiiitttiijirtmiitfir milium imirrflttiiimii 



nth power. Instead of the sweet sea breeze 
there was the strong aroma of popcorn and 
perspiration. 

At the beach you discover many things 
Columbus never found in his travels — peanut 
shells, dippy dippers, tin cans, can cans, tin 
horn sports, human lobsters and jelly fish, shell 
games, gulls and gullibles, papers, lunch boxes, 
bags, flasks, mermaids, mere men, kids with 
pails and shovels, playmates, families, spoony 
couples, kelp, garters, dead fish, fishermen, 
lines, nets, boats, cottages, hotels, resorts, 
boardwalks, promenades, bare legs, arms, feet, 
busts, driftwood and piers. Here one can find 
lost souls without exploring the shores of 
Phlegethon, Cocytus and Avernus. 

L. A.'s Elysium Park is like the classic one 
in one respect. When Aeneas went through the 
Elysian fields all the objects were clothed in a 
purple light — here it is the haze from innum- 
erable autos whose exhausts wrap everything 
in smoky pall and smell. The park is a good 
place to spend hours with the Houris, and to 
keep it from being a Paradise Lost, one is 
prohibited from spending the night there. 
Many enact here the myths of the nymphs and 
satyrs. Holiday guests are often found "star- 
scattered" on the grass, acting out the 
Rubaiyat. 

There is only one "Lost" Angeles in all the 
world. 



Contain Billy's Whiz Bang 23 



mmii!imnitiiii!i)i milium (tiiiiiiiitiiiwmiiitmiiimiiniiiiiimimiiiriiiiiii 



Dai's Filosophy 

It's easy enough to be pleasant, 

With a lass and a glass and a song, 

But the man worth while is the guy who can 

smile, 
When he's got the old woman along. 

% * !fc 

Oh, I Wisha Wuza Lightnin' Bug! 

(From Cortland, (N. T.) Standard) 

Mr. and Mrs. H. C. Tayntor entertained Mr. and Mrs. 
Charles Olds and son, Walter, of Syracuse, on Monday, 
and learned from them that Mr. Olds' daughter, Mrs. 
Hazel Hammond, was struck by lightning during a recent 
thunder storm, the skin being burned from one leg some 
six inches, and then the lightning followed a water pipe 
and came out of a faucet. 

Let's Swell Up and Bust 

A man took his wife out to dinner at a hotel 
restaurant the other night. . A short-skirted 
damsel breezed in and, there being nobody else 
in sight, proceeded to vamp him. 

"My dear," grinned the fatuous chump to 
his wife, "that girl over there is smiling at me." 

"That's nothing," replied the better half, 

"when I first saw you I laughed like hell." . 

* * * 

Joys of Matrimony 

Papa — "Has the young man who has been 
calling on you given you any encouragement?" 

Daughter — "Oh, yes, father! Just think 
last night he asked me if you and mother were 
pleasant to live with." 



24 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



Scotty's Wail 

wad some power the giftie gie 'em, 

To see their legs as others see 'em! 

It was frae monie a short skirt free 'em, 

And foolish notion, 
That toothpicks and piano legs 

Inspire devotion. 

♦ ♦- $ 

Did It Ever Happen to You? 

Met a pretty girl one day, 

Took her down to see a play; 

Bought her candy, cake and cream, 

And other things that she had seen. 

Thought I was in good all right, 

When I took her home that night, 

Hung around and begged a kiss, 

And what think you she said, this miss? 

"Of all the cheap skates I ever lamped with my 'once 

overs,' 
You are the crustiest two by twice, hair-brained gazeke 

on Gawd's earth, 
Shake those gunboats of yours and evaporate. 
GOOD NIGHT!" 

♦ >S >£ 

Answer This One, Girls 

He — "I am going to ask you a question. If 
you answer 'yes,' you mean 'no,' but if you do 
not answer, I am to have a kiss. 

She, after much deliberation — "All right, 
'shoot'." 

He — "If I should kiss you, would you be 
angry?" .---... 

She—" " 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



25 



i:ililliiiiiiii;;:ii;]]ij:.i, imiiiililiniii.il 



piHii]iniiii]iiiiiini[ii»!iiiiii!iiiiit;tiii[iiiiiiiiiiiiiiniii]ii:iii; . . ,a 



Limber Kicks 



^..HiHiHiniiiiiiinminniiiim mniinnmcnnnnnmiHnmmiiiii iiimniBMmmtiinimni HHB niiia MWM iiiiH^Bwrei^m^ wMHBhttttiiiiB ram nils 

Gal O' Mine 

When first I kissed my little gal, 

And felt her sweet embraces, 
I knew I'd found c-n "only pal" 

And would soon get down to cases. 
Alas, it proved a ghastly joke, 

My friends began to snicker; 
I found myself K. O.'d and broke, 

Dang that gal. of liquor 
* * * 

"I will be true while you're away," 

Thus ran the damsel's song. 
"I will be true; but, oh, I say, 

Don't be away too long." 



Beware, Oil Men! 

By Casper Y. Homing. 
Oh, mother, may I go out to swim, 
Way down behind the willers, 
I'll hang my clothes on a hickory limb, 
And won't go near the drillers. 

* * * 

Hibrow Poetry 

Her petticoat was georgette blue, 
Her dress was cheese cloth red, 
When she passes 'tween me and light, 
I ahvays turn my head. 



26 Ca P tain Bill $, s 52S ^ an f 

Courting Up to Date 

"The demure, shrinking type of maiden used 
to be able to walk to the altar with the 
matrimonial bacon," complains Miss Etta 
Kette, "but the one who brings home the hus- 
band now-a-days seems to be the one who grabs 
him and bites her initials in his cheek." 

% * * 

A Sundodger 

Baby— "I want my bottle." 
Mother — "Keep quiet. You're just like your 
father." 

4 * $ 

Crossing the "Bar" 

Midnight, a gleaming star, 

On one who pinches me, 
For hanging on a "soft drink" bar 

Till I can hardly see. 
Curled peacefully in ash barrel I -would sleep 

And dream of foaming mug, 
But policeman with a bass voice deep, 

Tuts me in the jug. 

ifc H* H< 

Knock 'er On the Kiss! 

A discussion on dancing became quite 
heated. The Girl in the case challenged her 
partner to prove his contention that any man 
could kiss a girl against her will. They clinched 
and after a brief but determined struggle, the 
girl was being ardently osculated. Upon being 
freed from the fervent hold the girl sighed and 
said, "Well, you won but it wasn't fair. My 
foot slipped. Let's try it again." 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 27 

——BUI—HI II liuilUiai irT[iiniiriiii<iiM..:riiuirrrti!iii[.ii[[i!iiirMii!iiiii!]]i!iiiiii[iiiiiiLiiuiiiiil]i!'iiNIii[uitiiir[tiiiiltlIi!imti!!i<iiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii m 



pinimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiSiiiiNiiniiiiii^^ | 

Questions and Answers 

iiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiii!iii!iiiiiiiniiii!ini!iH!P , :;i::!!ii!;:F: ^iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiniiiiiiiiiiniiiniiniiHiiiiiiniiiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiiin'iuiniiniiliiiiniHiiiiiiinl 

Dear Captain Billy — Could you explain the 
latest dance called "The Horse Trot"?— White 
Capp. 

According to our New York correspondent, 
"The Horse Trot" is done with a little wagon 
behind. 

Mon Captaine — What ees zis theeng zey call 
ze "all day suckair"? — Suzanne Lengthen. 

An "all day sucker," Suzanne, is a poor simp 
who buys a girl's lunch and supper; takes her 
to a show; puts on a midnight feed, and has 
the taxi wait while he bids her good night at 
the door of her flat. 

Dear Captain Billy — Kissing causes my 
heart to flutter violently. What should I do 
when my sweetheart tries to kiss me? — May 
Leigh. 

Letter flutter. 

Dear Keptin — What is the quickest lunch 
you ever heard oil—Pholush A. Ginn. 

Hasty pudding on a Jewish Fast day. 



28 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



mm mr;"::::ii.iii:;.i 



Dear Captain Billy — I have several 
gentlemen friends whom I would like to give 
presents to on Christmas. Would you kindly 
give me a list of suggestions? — Miss Goo C. Lou. 

Below are ten suggestions which I think 
would make gifts appreciated by almost any 
man: 

1. A quart of hootch. 

2. A quart of hootch. 

3. A quart of hootch. 

4. A quart of hootch. 

5. A quart of hootch. 

6. A quart of hootch. 

7. A quart of hootch. 

8. A quart of hootch. 

9. A quart of hootch. 

10. A quart of hootch. 

* * * 

Dear Captain Billy — What is a husband? — 
Little Willie. 

Something no respectable woman should be 

without. 

* * * 

Dear Captain Billy — What is steam? — Talo 
Pott. 

Steam is water gone crazy with the heat. 

* * * 

Dear Bilious Skipper — I am a bride of two 
weeks and my husband has broken my heart 
accusing me of extravagance and failure to 
economize in the home. I have tried lots of 
cheap dishes without success. Could you 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 29 



iiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiui in linn 



! 



suggest a few menus which would enable me 
to make both ends meet? — Worried Marjorie. 

Well, Marj, I am not much of an expert at 
cooking so I have referred your question to 
Maggie the hired girl. She suggests as a cheap 
dish, beans, but if you have tried them without 
success, why not try serving tongue and eggs? 

^ * * 

Dear Captain Billy — Can you tell me where 
moonshine comes from? — Hugo Chaser. 

No, that's a secret still. 

Dear Captain Billy — I am informed that it 
is absolutely proper for a lady to shake hands 
when sitting. If so, has the gentleman the 
same privilege? — Minnie Haha. 

When shaking hands in this glorious land 
of the free and the home of the Drys, a 
Geiitleman does it standing, a lady has the 
privilege of shaking sitting down, and a Dog 
does it standing on three legs. 

% % % 

Dear Captain — What makes the ocean so 
blue?— T. N. T. 

Because it has to embrace so many 
objectionable people. 

% % % 

Dear Bill — Why does a chicken cross the 
road? — Slim Jim. 

Because she sees some fellow over there 
who looks like easy picking. 



30 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



urn mjiiiinim: i 



Pat, Lady Killer 

A son of Erin wandered into a revival 
meeting one night. After listening to the 
revivalist catalogue the crimes and misdemean- 
ors of whieh -his hearers were guilty and 
enlarge upon the danger of spending eternity 
in a warm but insalubrious climate, the poor 
Irishman felt that he was "hair hung and 
breeze shaken over hell' 'as Elder Means said. 
Soon he was under deep "conviction" and in 
due time was soundly converted. 

A few evenings later he arose to give his 
"testimony" and said: "Ladies and gintlemen; 
Oh, Oi beg yer pardon— My Dear Sisters an' 
Brothers; you know O'im not used to spakin' 
in meetin's like this. But Oi want to tell you 
that O'im glad Oi'm saved. An' be the way, it 
took a helluva lot of grace to save me, for Oi 
was a dom bad man. Oi lied an' dhrank an' 
swore an' stole an' gambled an' did everyt'ing 
that was low and vile an' mean. An' more than 
that, Oi was a 'killer' among the women, as 
many of the sisters here present kin testify." 

A Chaplin Prayer 

Danny was a good boy. 

Jimmy was not. 

Danny said his prayers — "Give us this day 
our daily bread." 

But Jimmy interrupted — "Strike him for 
pie, Danny." 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 31 



iiiiiiiiiiitriiriiimimiiiimiiiimiiiiii'iJiii!! 



The Bray of An Ass 

A man who was walking through a train 
inadvertently left the door of one of the cars 
open. A big man sitting in a seat in the middle 
of the car yelled: "Shut the door, you fool! 
Were you raised in a barn?" 

The man who had left the door open closed 
it and then, dropping into a seat, buried his 
face in his hands and began to weep. The big 
man looked somewhat uncomfortable and, rising 
finally walked up to the weeper and tapped him 
on the shoulder. 

"My friend," he said, "I didn't intend to hurt 
your feelings. I just wanted you to close the 
door." 

The man who was weeping raised his head 
and grinned. "Old man," he said, "I am not 
crying because you hurt my feelings, but be- 
cause you asked me if I was raised in a barn. 
The fact is that I was raised in a barn, and 
every time I hear an ass bray it makes me 
homesick." 

;£ ^ % 

'Throw Out the Life Line' 

"How did you like the banquet last night?" 

"Fine. There was a lady at the table across 
from me who had one of those 'table line gowns' 
on. She looked like Venus." 

"How do you know she had on a gown, 
then?" 

"I dropped my fork." 



32 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



iiimiiumiiiiiiiiminiitniiiiiii 



pftiiiJiniuiiiiiuiiiiiiniiffliiiTtfirciniiiniiu 

Whiz W7 1 • m - * w I - 

Ban* MLaitorials 



| Bang 

"The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet." 

r:,;:il!l!::]!'ll[illlllI[[!!ll!i»illB:5!:;l![;i:!!i!ili!illllllU:;illl[N!I» 

THERE are many "Calamity Janes" in the 
U. S. A. One of their stock cries, just 
after a crime has been committed is, "If 
she gets off, she's going in the movies!" 

Let us look at the real facts. Searching the 
history of the moving picture business, in not a 
single instance has a murder been starred in 
pictures. 

About seven or eight years ago a wealthy 
married man in Virginia was shot by his wife 
(or was it by a girl in the case?) — Beulah 
Binford — because he had trifled with her affec- 
tions. The courts proved the man a rotter, 
and because Beulah was a very young girl, she 
was released without a prison sentence. 
Beulah's heart and life were broken and she 
wanted to bury herself in her little home town 
and try to start over again, but she needed 
money. An unscrupulous promoter from New 
York who thought he could profit by the 
notoriety caused by the crime, made her an 
offer to be starred in pictures. Beulah went to 
New York. The picture was taken but the 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 33 



police closed Madison Square Garden when it 
was scheduled to show there. Even in those 
early days of picturedom, movie companies of 
any standing were bitterly incensed against 
promoters who wanted to make money by 
exploiting crime. 

The tragic figure in this case was Beulah 
Binford herself. When the picture failed to 
bring in receipts she was left alone and 
penniless in a strange city. She went from 
studio to studio asking for work, but despite 
the fact that she was beautiful, no one wanted 
to take a chance with her. Finally the Republic 
Film Company, of New York, gave her a job 
sorting papers in their office. She v/ent 
through countless hardships in the city. What 
has become of her, we do not know. 

A few years later, in Wisconsin, a boy 
student killed his sweetheart in a lonely wooded 
section not far from the state university 
buildings. The case was never proved to have 
been premeditated murder and he was not given 
a prison sentence. A well known New York 
syndicate writer, a woman went out to 
Wisconsin and tied up the boy's services for 
pictures. She then hastened back to New York 
to sell the contract for a profit. Every picture 
company in New York turned down her 
proposition to star the boy! 

After Marie Edwards shot Senator Lyons 
a year or so ago in California, she visited 



oa Captain Billys Whiz Bang 

..... .....4 mil Tllillll'lLiL^:l!Uli[iil]lll" r l'i ^ !l ' lllll|,h ' l!l " 



W llllll ' ...■■■.■■—■■■ mHitmnm 



all the studios in /Los Angeles in. an attempt 
to get into the movies. Not a single position 
was offered her. ... 

Mrs. Louise Peete, who was recently 
sentenced to life imprisonment for the murder 
of J. C. Denton at his home in Los Angeles, 
made overtures to the picture companies during 
the time she thought she was going to be freed. 
Not a single studio executive paid the slightest 
attention to her attempts to be exploited on 
the screen. 

The "son" of Senator New, who brutally 
killed his sweetheart in Topanga Canyon near 
Los Angeles about a year ago, also thought he 
might follow a picture career, but this was cut 
short when he was sentenced to twenty years 
in the penitentiary. 

Mrs. Marie Bailey, who shot her sweetheart, 
Clarence Hogan, in Pasadena last December, 
told all reporters that she was going to be 
featured in pictures as soon as she was 
released. Mrs. Bailey had previously played 
in pictures, but when she was arrested, picture 
studios all made the notation that she would 
never again be hired even as, an "extra." Marie 
has gone "up" for ten years. 

The Clara > ,'Tamon picture, "Fate," although 
already produced, has not been exhibited in 
the theatres. In the light of the history of past 
cases has it a chance? 

^ ^ * 

i . Burning kisses always go with sparks. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 35 



AN AUTHORITY once established is hard 
to controvert. That is why it is going to 
be one heck of a job to knock any kind of 
a dent into the present Volstead law prohibiting 
even a smelling acquaintance with wine, beer or 
regular hard "licker." Organized minorities 
vote solidly in politics; the vote of the majority 
is scattered. There is nothing more easily 
swayed than popular opinion and popular 
"passion" with the right kind of propaganda. 

I remember when Carpentier, the French 
fight champ, came across to get his bump on the 
beak, Gus and I were discussing the antics of 
the New York society women who "literally" 
fought with each other for the privilege of 
kissing him at a garden party. It is the human 
nature of the female of the specie to kiss the 
male brute at every opportune occasion, and, 
under stress of easily aroused emotions, under 
other conditions as well. 

Emotion is a primitive human instinct and 
if women swarm to kiss a prize fighter in these 
enlightened days, it is easy to understand how 
an unorganized majority of males, as well as 
females, might be moulded by proper 
propaganda to a conviction that this country 
will go to the bow wows unless booze of all 
character and description is kicked into the 
discard. 

We must admit that the prohibition minority 
did not slip anything over on the majority 
when it wasn't looking. First they sneaked 



\ 



36 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



iiiiTiiiiiiiiiiii iiii-i r r-e mimiirmiiliiiri 



into a few legislatures and then they put it 
through Congress and had it ratified by their 
legislatures. The majority found out about it 
when it was too late. All the majority can do 
now is to defy the Volstead law and vote down 
the enforcement provisions of it. Some of 
them are doing this — while others are becoming 
Cunard addicts and going to Europe and 
Havana. 

Europe used to be a continent of kings — 
now it is only America's corner saloon. 

We have never held any particular briefs 
for Squirrel whisky and other forms of 100 
proof "hootch." But even our former president, 
Woodrow — what was his name?- — Wilson, is 
strong for wines and beers and we are willing 
to stack with him on this question, at least. It 
is going to be a hard job — getting any 
concessions from the prohibitionists. We believe 
Gus has the right idea, however, when he says 
the day of the "bum voyage" to Europe is 
nearing a close, and that the old familiar sign 
"Wines, Liquors and Segars" may soon be 
dusted off and tacked up outside the front door. 

The Way They Sing It 

We will now sing that little Nanny-goat 
song entitled "Mammy." Also that well known 
ballad "Just a Japanese Ashcan." 

The stage contortionist leads a double life. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 37 



:imiuiii»iiiiiHiniiiiii!jii!iiiiiii:iu::iuiiii xiiiiiiimiiiniimuiiuiiiu 



I 1111111111 ""mil mi' !U!iii-!iHi ai!ii;[i!ii!iiii!iiiiiiiiBi:ii!iniiiiii!i!iiiiiiii!i!iii!i!iii!ii»iiiaiiiaiiiin mm ummi miimiiniiimiiiimmmi 

Smokehouse Poetry 

*' Ulili ml "m»> i iiiiiiim»ni!iiii!i!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiiiii mi iiiiiiiimmimiBsimmmimni iiniimm iiiiiiiiiiimmiiiiiiiiiiiimiBiimminil 

Every once in a while we get regular he-man verse 
prompted by dreams in some feather bed, but from the pen 
of Bndd L. McKillips, Whiz Bang readers again are to be 
treated with a poem inspired by real life. In the Winter 
Annual of the Whiz Bang we reproduced Mr. McKillips' 
poem "After the Raid," inspired while Mr. McKillips, as a 
newspaper reporter, "covered" c. story of the raid on the 
National Dutch Room cabaret in Minneapolis. Recently 
pretty Zelda Crosby, picture scenario writer, of New York, 
committed suicide in a hotel by drinking poison, as a result 
of a prominent film magnate spurning her after teaching her 
the ways of love and folly. This magnate, like many other 
alleged reformers, has been a leading figure in the move- 
ment for purity in pictures. The title of Mr. McKillips 
poem, written exclusively for the Whiz Bang, is "The Girl 
From Over 'There'." In addition to that poem we are pub- 
lishing a crackerjack rival to the "Gila Monster Route," with 
which Winter Annual readers have fallen in love called 
"The Blanket Stiff" 

* ♦ % 

The Spirit of Mortal 

Oh, Why should the spirit of mortal be proud? 
Like a swift-fleeting meteor, like a fast flying cloud, 
A flash of the lightning, a break of the wave, 
He passeth from life to his rest in the grave. 

The leaves of the oak and the willow shall fade, 
And be scattered around and together be laid, 
And the old and the young and the low and the high 
Shall molder to dust and together shall lie. 

The infant a mother attended and loved, 



38 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



miuittiiiitmttniiimmi i mirammiiniff 



The mother that infant's affection who proved, 
The husband that mother and infant who blessed, 
Each all are away to their dwellings of rest. 

The hand of the king that the scepter hath borne, 
The brow of the priest that the miter hath worn, 
The eye of the sage and the heart of the brave, 
Are hidden and lost in the depths of the grave. 

The peasant whose lot was to sow and to reap, 
The herdsman who limbed with his goats to the steep, 
The beggar who wandered in search of his bread. 
Have faded away like the grass that we tread. 

So the multitude goes like the flower or the weed, 
That withers away to let others succeed; 
So the multitude comes even those we behold, 
To repeat every tale that has often been told. 

For we are the same our fathers have been: 
We see the same sights our fathers have seen— 
We drink the same stream and view the same sun, 
And run the same course our fathers have run. 

The thoughts we are thinking our fathers would ihink; 
From the death we are shrinking our fathers would shrink; 
To the life we are clinging they also would cling, 
But it speeds from us all like a bird on the wing. 

They loved, but the story we cannot unfold; 
They scorned, but the heart of the haughty is cold; 
They grieved, but no wail from their slumber shall come; 
They joyed, but the tongue of their gladness is dumb. 

They died!- — ay; they died, we things that are now, 

That walk on the turf that lies over their brow, 

And make in their dwellings a transient abode; 

Meet the things that they met on their pilgrimage road. 

Yea! hope and despondency, pleasure and pain, 
We mingle together in sunshine and rain; 
And the smile and the tear, the song and the dirge, 
Still follow each other like surge upon surge. 

'Tis the wink of an eye, 'tis the draught of a breath, 
From the blossom of health to the paleness of death, 
From the gilded saloon, the bier and the shroud; 
Oh, why should the spirit of mortal be proud? 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 39 



tiitimiminiiniircmiiiiitimiiiiiTitirtiii iiimiiiniM 



Just Thinking 



By Hudson Hawiey. 
(In the Stars and Stripes.) 
Standin' up here on the fire-step, 

Lookin' ahead in the mist. 
With a tin hat over your ivory 

And a rifle clutched in your fist; 
Waitin' and watchin' and wond'rin' 

If the Huns comin' over tonight — ■ 
Say, aren't the things you think of, 

Enough to give you a fright? 

Things you ain't even thought of 

For a couple o' months or more; 
Things that 'ull set you laughin'; 

Things that 'ull make you sore; 
Things that you saw in the movies. 

Things that you saw on the street, 
Things that you're really proud of, 

Things that are— not so sweet. 

Debts that are past collection, 

Stories you hear and forget, 
Ball games and birthday parties, 

Hours of drill in the wet; 
Headlines, recruitin' posters, 

Sunsets way out at sea, 
Evenings of pay days — golly — 

It's a queer thing, this memory! 

Faces of pals in the home burg, 

Voices of women folk, 
Verses you learned in school days, 

Pop up in the mist and smoke, 
As you stand there grippin' that rifle, 

A standin' and chilled to the bone, 
Wonderin' and wonderin' and wonderin,' 

Just thinkin' there — all alone! 

When will the war be over? 

When will the gang break through? 
What will the V. S. look like? 

What will there be to do? 
Where will the Boshes be then? 

Who will have married Nell? 
When's that relief a-eoniin' up? 

Gosh! But this thinkin's hell! 



40 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



IIHIHIHI Ilimill (Ill HHtl!lllimtlJIIIIII!lilllll!!!li:lllil>Ji;illllMI1l1IMn>: Hum <l1l>llt»l,Fll>l>l>lllil.i>illttlll»ll<l!>llllllIIIIIIll tun 

Gee Whiz 

By Dorothy. 
Dream girl with your raven hair 
Eyes of brown and dimples too 
Can't you find one day to spare 
That I may elope with you? 

Too many ginks are on your hooks 
You trifle right and left 
They toddle round with hungry looks 
Poor nuts they're all bereft. 

Dream girl get your cigarettes 
And I'll produce the booze, 
Put the brake on vain regrets 
And let us burn the fuse. 

Hire a hall or buy a yacht 

It's all the same, Oh! gee 

But give me everything you've got 

It's coming straight to ME. 

Dream girl with your raven hair 
Come cuddle up and tease 
Love me, bite me like a bear, 
Then kiss me — naughty — please. 

Make it today and don't postpone 
Don't make your sweetie pout, 
Dear heart I'm sitting all alone 
For the darned old booze gave out. 



The Land of Gee and Haw 

By Ted Lattourette Hansford. 
I have a home I'm not ashamed of, 
In the land of Gee and Haw, 
Where Jeff Davis found a pile of rocks 
And called it Arkansaw. 

And I am going back to Flatrock, 
Where the cornfed people stay, 
And they make a little moonshine 
Just to pass the time away. 

I can see old Hank and Silas, 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 41 

„ MHOB •> •>» IIMHIlilWlllll IIIIIIII W IIIIIi mnTlfTff lllllllllll lltTtlllullTlltBlllllliriltlllllMH HI MWUH 

A firing up the drum 

To run a drink that's guaranteed 

To put sorrow on the bum. 

It glistens like the dewdrops, 
At the dawn of early morn, 
And you can smell the boys' feet 
That plowed the yaller corn. 

It fills your heart with gratitude, 
And keeps you feeling fine, 
Like everybody was owin' you 
And you didn't need a dime. 

'Tis the land where satisfaction, 
Peace, love and feuds reside, 
And the farms they sit up edgeways; 
You can farm on either side. 

Where they dance from dark till daylight, 
Calling swing, and balance all; 
With the fiddler full o' pine top, 
Playing Turkey in The Straw. 

When you read these lines, yours truly 
Will be there for evermore, 
Wading through the moonshine, 
Singing Sailor on The Shore. 

And my address, should you want me, 
Will be Flatrock, Arkansaw; 
Care o' Wildcat Hiram Johnson, 
In the Land of Gee and Haw. 
* * * 

Ten Years on the Islands 

Ten years on the Islands, 

And you're mad; 

Not a spark of decency — 

Oh! it's sad - ; 

Can't recall one sober day, 

That you've had; 

You've let the tropics get you, 

And you're bad. 

Ten years on the Islands, 
And you fell. 

Hardly conscious of surrender, 
Tc the spell; 



42 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



You're eaten up with leprosy, 
Traders tell, 

You're a comber Of the beaches — 
Gone to hell. 

Ten years on the Islands, 

It's too long, 

To preserve one's sense of right, 

And of wrong, 

The tropic's spell is gentle, 

But it's strong, 

It feeds the soul on lotus, 

Till it's gone. 

Spoiled Girl 

When you are awfully cross to me 
I pout, and pout, and pout, 
My lip goes down, my eyes get big 
- And then nay tears come out. 

When you are awfully good to me 
I smile, and smile, and smile, 
So if you like sun more than rain 
Try being good awhile. 

Great Gawsch! 

"Hang it all, daughter," exploded old 
Jenkins. "You can't marry young Dobbins, I 
won't have it. Why he only makes eighteen 
dollars a week." 

"I know fr.ther," replied the sweet young 

thing, "but a week passes so quickly when you 

are fond of each other." 

* * * 

Hot Dog! 

It doesn't extinguish the conflagration in a 
man's burning brain when a pretty girl turns 
her hose on him. 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 43 



i .:::umiiiimiimii;irim riiiuiiHiitiiuiiii iiiiuiimtiiim! uimifiiiiiiinmi 



How to Get Tips 

Smith Dalrymple tells this one: When I 
was in Bartlesville I went into a lady barber 
shop to get shaved. That was the first female 
joint I ever saw. When I went in the barber 
was sitting on a fellow's lap. 

She jumped up and said, "You're next." 
I said, "I know it and I know who I am 
next to." 

She said, "Do you want a close shave?" 
I said, "No, I just had one, my wife passed 
the window and didn't look in." 

I gave her a quarter, she handed me back 
ten cents and before I thought where I was I 
said, "Put it in the piano." 

$? % % 

Those Flivvers Again 

We heard a couple talking in the rear of a 
machine ahead of us. The man sighed, "Oh, 
dearest, you never have acted this way before. 
Always you have been cold towards me and 
now you're — " 

So I put on my brakes and pulled my 

radiator away from the back of their machine. 

* * * 

Someone's Inhaling Ether 

(From the Chicago Tribune) 
"She had those wide blue eyes whose expression can 
be misleading in their infantile pathos ; hair fine and shin- 
ing like gossamer gold ; a complexion firm and white, with 
the barest breath of rose leaf pink on the cheek oones, 
and the whole of her was small, neat, rounded." 



44 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



iiiiijmimmiiirniiuuHJU[|!!!i'!:i>!!!'iMiNiir;ih!i: 



Just Like the Army 

The prosy old parson was coming and his 
hostess carefully drilled her daughter to 
answer the string of questions he always asked 
every little girl: (1) "What is your name?" 
(2) "How old are you?" (3) "Are you a good 
little girl?" (4) "Do you know where bad little 
girls go?" 

But the little girl was overtrained and when 
the reverend visitor began by asking her her 
name, she spilled all the answers at once in a 
single breath. 

"Dorothy, sir; six years old, sir; yes, sir; 
go to hell, sir." 

* * * 

Blank Verse 

Dear Captain Billy, 
I am full of regrets, 
Because the other night 
I set out to find the gold 
At the end of the rainbow. 
And all that I saw was 
"The Gold Diggers." 
Ain't that always the way 

In Boston? 

* * * 

Sneeze Hearty 

"I rise to propose a little toast," announced 
the president of the Hay Fever Club. 
"What is it?" 
"Here's looking at — choo!" 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 45 



^^■■iiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiinit(ifiiiiiiTiTiiiiiinT:i:;iiiiTiiiiiriifTiiriTiiiT:iiiiiKiiiiiiiirTiiiiiMiii:itiiiMnriiiijfiiiit)i:iTiTi:i:T:T:!iiriii:iEiiiiiiHiiiiiifiiiiiiifiiiiiJiiiiiiiiiiiiriiiiiiiiniiiiiiiii[ii[i[iiiiiH^g 

Hollywood Flirtations 

ITT; ! n [:-nii I F!mu i [[iiJii rr;n !J r =:: : i ! ! 1 1 i i ;;: trc; n i ; ! n ;:: n f'li [<;i ! : 1 1 r !" !^ ! n 1 1 j: i i 1 1 n i Liin ! 1 1 : i r ;;i I r 1 1 1 1 -;::t! n r I ri-rn 1 1 1 rr J!i ! ! 1 1 1 iif;' j i 1 1 [i ; i-n 1 1 r [[: i; in I run n; i iriinrmiTi ;- 1 

IT IS rumored around filmland that hand- 
some (?) "Bull" Montana is shortly to be 
married. Doug Fairbanks, in lowbrow 
days before he married Mary, used to pal 
around with "Bull" and other ringside favor- 
ites, but 'tis said Mary ruled against Bull as 
being "declasse." 

4» ♦ 4 

IT WILL be remembered that Viola Dana 
was a very close friend of Orma Locklear, 
the famous aviator, who was killed about 
a year ago. A few months later, she was often 
seen with Earl Daugherty, also a well known 
aviator, who maintains one of the finest flying 
fields in Southern California. Now Earl and 
Viola are never seen together. What happened, 
Viola? 

}Hp IS SAID on "Elinor Glyn Night" at the 
h Ambassador Cocoanut Grove, our visit- 
ing English authoress ate her entire 
supper without once removing her long white 
gloves. Those were "great moments" when the 
olives, corn and asparagus came on! Elinor 
was again accompanied by that tall, youngish 



46 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



iIJi:m::!t!ir:!:i!r:.. ■:i> •■ 



actor, Dana Todd. Hollywood has been under- 
going mental confusion all summer as to 
whether Dana was in love with Gloria Swanson 
or Elinor or merely a protege protector of both 
ladies when they took their evenings out. 

LOIS WILSON, Lasky star, has a brand 
new Chicago millionaire beau who seems 
to be quite serious in his intentions. 
Mildred Harris, who has also been playing over 
at the Lasky lot of late, is favoring a million- 
aire of brunette hue. 

* * # 

MABEL NORMAND went off on a farm 
in Vermont last winter and drank milk 
until she could again ask her friends 
how one could lose weight. Just now, a dis- 
tinguished looking gentleman with gray hair 
is trotting Mabel about to the dance emporiums. 

Bessie Love is often seen at the cafes, but 
almost always with "mama." Lost your hunt- 
ing license, Bessie? 

THE other evening when Clara Kimball 
Young stepped out with Harry Garson 
wearing a whole photoplay worth of 
ermine and diamonds, a very embarrassing 
thing happened. They danced of course, but in 
one of those floor jams, Clara suddenly found 
her lovely head parked on the shoulder of her 
ex-spouse, Jimmy Young. Gallant to the end, 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 41 

liltmiltllllUIIHItlH IIHtlMI !MlllIHIIMMIMIInil>lllliHliHH<l»IMMHnil4iHIHIilimnM1lllll1ll<MI11IIIIIIM11lll»tlMM<nii!!;n<tlM!in!TrTMIIlimMniTTni1lllinn«iHlininMHIimil(tlM.il 

Jimmy appeared not to notice — but when the 
next dance began, Jimmy sat it out with his 
partner at one end of the ball-room while Clara 
feigned weariness at the other end ! 

RUTH RENICK, film star, is in love with 
an unknown hero. While horseback riding 
the other day, she hurt her ankle and 
went into a drug store for aid. Then she grew 
faint and fell right over into the arms of a 
handsome stranger. He vanished when she 
woke up and that ends the story. Ruth and 

"we all" are hoping for developments. 

* * * 

Roy Stewart has been riding horseback of 
late with Miss Stanley Partridge, a young Los 

Angeles society girl. 

* * * 

Walter Morosco and Betty Compson are 
often seen stepping about together. 

$ Jjs !# 

ES, we admit that this item should have 
headline position. 'Tis true that Mr. and 
Mrs. Wallace MacDonald (Doris May), 
took a second-run honeymoon over at Catalina. 

* * * 

ILL DESMOND and his own wife, 
Mary Mclvor, often step out together 
and dance together all evening — because 
they like it. This same state of affairs exists 
with the Wesley Ruggles and Conrad Nagles 
as well as in the Bryant Washburn household. 



48 Captain Billys Whiz Bang 



EVELYN NESBIT, formerly Mrs. Harry 
K. Thaw, recently caused the arrest of 
four men on charges of disorderly con- 
duct. She complained they entered the hallway 
outside of her apartment and that one seized 
her by the shoulders and made an insulting 
remark. The complainant said she knew none 
of the men. At the station house Miss Nesbit 
said that the men fled in a taxicab when she 
ran to the street yelling "fire" and calling for 
the police. The quartet returned later and 

encountered two policemen. 

* * * 

Can We Forgive Him? 

The London Post reports the following — 

There was fighting in the fo'c'sle; and the 
aggressor, a hard-faced, hard-fisted sailor man 
from Rotherhithe, was called upon to explain. 

"That square-headed Swede miscalled me," 
he bellowed. "He said I was an Irishman, and 
I'm not. Me mother was a good Mexican lady 
and me father was two marines from 
Chatham!" 

The explanation cordially accepted. 

Pithole Filosophy 

One time I got mad at a sassy kid; I said, 
"There is enough hrass in your face to make a 
large kettle." 

He said "Yes, and there's enough sap in your 
head to fill it." 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 49 



i'llllllKUIIII! ■■-. .: l>-i!iI1l llMl.lllllll.il II- lllllllllllKMIIIll.il 



The Wails of a Wolstead Wictim 

Oh to spend "jack" like a Jackass; to have 
the "hips" of a hippo; the neck of a giraffe ;■ 
the thirst of a camel and the "jag" of a jaguar. 

:Js ^c ij: * 

Giving Him Fair Warning 

She — "What are you thinking about?" 
He — "Just what you're thinking about." 
She — "If you do, I'll scream." — Phoenix. 

* * * 

The Way of a Lad With a Lass 

He— "Hu-nnnh?" 
She— "Nu'unnnh." 
He— "P 1 ea s e." 
She— "I told you NO!" 
He— "Hu'nnnnnnh?" 
She — "Nu'unnnnnnh." 
He — "Huu'n nnnnnh?" 
She — "Nu — Unnnnnnn'huh." 
Smack ! 

* * * 

Modern Literature 

She nestled against the two strong arms that 
held her. She pressed her flushed cheek 
against the smooth skin-so near-so tan-so 
glowing. 

"How handsome!" she cried, her eyes noting 
the fine straight back, the sturdy, well-shaped 
legs. 

"How handsome!" she repeated. "I adore a 
leather upholstered chair." 



50 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



■tlilimi! iiiiiiiiKiitiinintlii rniiiiiiiiinihm minium 



Flapper Blues 

Ain't no use of living, nothing gained, 
Ain't no use of eating just pain, 
Ain't no use of kissing he'll tell, 
Ain't no use of nothing, Oh, well. 

% :£ s}e 

Djever Hear This One? 

An Englishman bragged that he was once 
mistaken for Lloyd George. The American 
boasted that he had been taken for President 
Wilson. 

Paddy said he had them all beat. 

"A fellow walked up to me and tapped me 
on the shoulder and said 'Great God, is that 
you?'" 

Pink Pills for Pale People 

Lydia Pinkham recently received a love 
letter from the vegetable compound magnate 
reading as follows, our correspondents report: 

"Do you carrot all for me? My bleeding heart beets 
for you. My love is as soft as a squash, but as strong as 
an onion. You are a peach with your radish hair and 
turnip nose. Your cherry lips and forget-me-not eyes 
call me. You are the apple of my eye, and if we can- 
teloupe lettuce marry for I am sure we would make a 
happy pear." 

Lovely Calves We're Having! 

"Oh see the darling little cow-lets!" 
"Miss, those are not cow-lets, they're bull- 
ets." 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 51 



iriiiimitiMiNiiimiiiMMtiiiuiiDimrtti'i'iri 



ijiiKiieiiiiiiiiniiiiniiK^ 

Pasture Pot Pourri 

f :::,„:,;;;:: .:-.::;::■;.- - ';:ii:rnnnmn:nmim!inmEiuniimHtinaniinnni!imiiiiiiiiiiiiuiniiinaf iiiinniiiiinimuiRniiiiuniHni iinini inimun biiii; mini : n: . 

The other day a stranger walked up and asked me if 

I was a doctor. I informed him that I wasn't, but that I 

thought I knew where he could get some. 

* * * 

Some women get red in the face from 
modesty, some from anger, and some from the 
druggist. 

Pour Her Back Into the Ocean 

She wiggled, she waddled, 

She leapt and she toddled; 

She shivered, she quivered, she shook. 

She rippled, she trippled, 

She sprang and she skippled — 

Her dance was "The Song of the Brook." 

The Song of a Sailor 
"There's just one Gal in Galveston, hut 
there's More in Baltimore." 

:;: $ * 

I went into a restaurant. I said, "Have you got anything fit 
for a hog to eat?" 

He said, "Yes, what do you want?" 

When a married man gets his hair cut, his 
wife loses her strongest hold on him. 

:;- i\i ijc 

The barber has a scraping acquaintance with a great 
many people. 



52 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 

in i iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iitiinui in Liniiniriinmiiiiir>iiiiii>i'"i»iiiciinii '!■■" 



«u iii,miiiiiiim>iiiiiiiiiiiinjiimiimiii> lillUtimniUHIIII 



Essence of Sweet Peas 

"The mean old thing wouldn't lettuce." 
"Can we take a little spin-ach?" 

"No, I'll see my car-rot first." 

* * * 

There is something mysteriously attractive 

about all mysteries — except hash. 

* * * 

A request has come from a -Philadelphia 
reader that all our jokes be written on tissue 
paper so that he can see through them. 

May Have Better Luck 

(From Sedalia Correspondence of Rogers Democrat) 
Mrs. Albert Evans didn't have good luck with her incubator. 
She had only thirty little chicks, but she is undaunted and she is 

setting again. 

* * * 

Mary wears her new short skirt, 

Cut just about in half; 
Who cares a slam 'bout Mary's lamb, 

Now we can see her calf? 

* * * 

The woman with a past is always glad to see 

a man with a present. 

* * * 

The Latest Song "Hit" 

By A. Balland Batt. 

"When the Baseball season starts, Sweet- 
heart, I'll be running home to you." 

* * * 

Miss Marrietta Nutt will now render the 
latest "catch" "The toy shop business is boom- 
ing since they show their Teddy bears." 



Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 53 



■■■:,:■ !:!■:■ ::.. Mini liiuiiiiiiim.: 



We Expect a Free Can For This! 

/ saw a girl the other day who was so bashful she asked 

for a lady clerk when she wanted to buy some Arbuckle's 

coffee. 

* * * 

The Happy Ham 

All smokers are inveterate; 

Their vice becomes inured, 
Only a ham can smoke and smoke, 

And smoking still be cured. 

!£ Iff - $ 

I kicked a mongrel cur, 
He uttered a mournful wail. 
Where did I kick him, Sir? 
Ah! Thereby hangs a tail. 



The most disgusting sight in the world is to 
see another fellow in an automobile with your 

best girl. 

* * * 

The old inhabitant says, "I kin remember 
when a young lady passed you, you always 
could hear the rustle of stiffly starched skirts." 

# * * 

Naughty Egg 

I wish I was a crow's egg 

As bad as bad can be, 
All cuddled up in a little nest 

Way up in a big tree. 
And when a grinning little boy 

Looked up at me in glee, 
I'd bust my naughty little self 

And sprinkle him with me. 



54 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



The Diamond Queen 

Now on one hand she has an immense fortune and 
on the other hand she has warts. 

* * * 

When a girl casts her bread upon the 
waters, she expects it to come back in the shape 
of a wedding cake. 

One of the season's popular football rooters' 
song is that old familiar ballad "After the 
Ball" 

The Hootch Hound's Lament 

It's easy to stay two-thirds pickled all day, 

Get drunk and sleep out in the yard, 
But to put in a night without one drink in sight; 

It's the getting back sober that's hard. 
* * * 

Love is a hallucination that makes an other- 
wise sane man believe he can set up house- 
keeping on a gas stove and a canary bird. 

* * * 

St. Paul Blues 

When I'm dead bury me deep, 

Bury me in the middle of St. Peter street; 

Put my hands across my chest 

And tell the girls I've gone to rest. 

* * * 

"What a curve," said the garter, as it came 
around the last stretch. 

Many a girl who never had her ears pierced 
has frequently had them bored. 






Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 55 




iuauutMiBttg i uiH tanicngitiiuaiiiiiiiirgiiiiimiijiiiii:»]ii:ri,;; ntiiE^iifiiMMiiiiiEihiiit iiiiiiiiimiiimiiiiBiinnHmniiiHuiiimtnjiiiimniiuinnnuinuHumiuniuinmiiig 

trie Hot • 

RlilllllllllllllltllllinnillllllllllllllllllllliliilHlillillllllllln^ 

RS. JUANITA M. COHEN has filed a 

heart-balm suit for $50,000 against 

Jackie Saunders for the loss of the love 

and affection of J. Warde Cohen, her husband. 

Jackie affirms that Mr. Cohen has no love for 

his wife and that no pretty stranger can steal 

anything which doesn't exist. Jackie and her 

lawyers cite several scenes that have taken 

place between the Cohens, all to prove that the 

little God Eros was not about. Rather a clever 

way to turn the matter about, Jackie! 

* * * 

AT SEVERAL recent parties and dinners 
attended by film stars and given since 
the Arbuckle affair has been disclosed, 
the picture people have not refused cocktails 
or wine offered by the host. The picture people 
have been drinking their cocktails with a bit of 
defiance as if to show the world that "there are 
plenty of us who can drink with moderation 
and do nothing to hurt our neighbor or disgrace 
the community." 

Before prohibition made such conditions 
imperative, all of us might have thought the 
party a bit too free and careless if drinks were 



56 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



IIIIIHIIlllllllllUHIIllltHillltllll 



served in hotel bedrooms and prelude parties 
to hotel dinners given on the upper floors. For 
those who still believe in the free rights of the 
individual, hotel bedroom drinking is the only 
kind allowed by law. Perhaps if the Arbuckle 
party had been allowed to order their drinks 
in a hotel lobby or tea-room, the tragedy of 
Miss Rappe's death would never have occurred. 

At any rate, let it be said that at two large 
dinner parties given since the Arbuckle affair, 
the film people drank with decorum and several 
Pasadena and Los Angeles millionaire society 
men were the ones laid out to "rest and recup- 
erate!" 

Another party planned to take place on a 
yacht equipped with "orchid and rose suites," 
promising to border on the near dangerous, was 
declined by a number of prominent Hollywood 
stars. The party took place without the film 
folk, there being plenty of fast folk in the 
society set to attend who had no professional 
reputation to protect. 

♦ ij; X 

THE divorce case of the Charles Kenyons 
developed into an Alphonse and Gaston 
affair. Charlie Kenyon is the author of 
the successful play "Kindling" and has written 
many photoplays for the Fox and Goldwyn 
studios at which he has been employed. 

During the hotly contested divorce suit, both 
accused the ; other of desertion. Mrs. Kenyon 
testified that when her husband came home late 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 57 



at night and she upbraided him concerning the 
matter, he said he would have to live his own 
life and if he couldn't live it there, he would 
have to go somewhere else. Therefore, Kenyon 
deserted. 

Kenyon, on the other hand, said that his 
wife deserted him because her actions and 
treatment of him made going away the only 
possibly manly act. Quite a paradox for you 
isn't it, Judge? 

Mrs. Kenyon has previously divorced two 
husbands. It is said that Kenyon remained a 
bachelor several years while he waited for the 
present Mrs. Kenyon to free herself from her 
last husband and marry him. 

* * * 

HH. WATERS, scenario writer, was found 
clad only in a suit of pajamas, the other 
morning just outside the Hollywood 
Hotel. He was unconscious and bleeding pro- 
fusely. The names of the other picture folk 
who attended the party have been kept under 
cover. 

:■: % H: 

OUR Guv'ment's too annoying! The whole 
blasted Pacific fleet has been back in Los 
Angeles harbor since September without 
a movie guest aboard! You see there's some 
sort of a board of inspection from Washington 
going over the nuts and bolts, and its been 
considered tactful to keep the milk on the table 
and cover the Victrola! 



58 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



IIIIIIIIUIIIIIIIIIIIIII 



WHILE Doug and Mary were recovering 
from a tremendous ovation in London 
and were receiving a similar welcome m 
Gay Paree, Charlie Chaplin native Englishman, 
was being slapped by the press of his native 
land. The London Post, for example, says this: 
"Charlie Chaplin was good enough to remark 
on the sadness of the faces of the Londoners 
he met in his walks. Well, we went through a 
bit of a war while Charlie was in Los Angeles." 

Going, Going, Gone! 

When the rye is in the meadow 
And the corn is in the shock 
And your cellar's dry as powder 
And your diamonds all in hock. 
When the gin is all in Holland 
And the home brew knocked sky-high 
Oh, tell me Captain Billy 
When the milk weed's going dry 
% % * 

How to Get the Cash 

"Bonuses for Babies" 

Is all the cry In France; 
And so the largest families 

Will get the biggest chance; 
But Where's the money coming from? 

French Law for laughter bids 
By taxing all the bachelors 

For other people's kids! 

* * * 

The nox was lit by the lux of Luna, 

It was a nox most opportuna, 

To catch a possum or a coona. 

The nix was scattered o'er the Mundus, 

A shallow nix et ncn profundus. 

* * * 

The undertaker is always able to put up a stiff argument. 



Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 59 



; ,:i!.i:ii;iiiiimirnuiiM. iiiiiiiimiiMmimiiin r::. > 



rpgnn mnnmmmiii noinnniiBiiiinoi i ■ HiiiwiiiiiiniiiiiiiiirL:.^ 

Classified Ads 

I mm a um i i iinitii m n ua m im ii muu i ia n; ■ i 

The Colonel Knows His Cat 

(From San Antonio Express.) 
REWARD — Lost, Boston female, 8 months old, 12 lbs., mahog- 
any brindle, screw tail, white chest, back of neck and blazed face. 
Col. M. L. Crimmins, 106 Groveland Place. 

* * * 

Why, Mabel! 

(From Ht. Louis Post-Dispatch.) 
Miss Mabel Wilber, in the leading soprano role of Daisy the 
Barmaid, later Little Boy Blue, sang well and wore several mas- 
culine costumes which showed her versatility. 

i'fi %: % 

A Warm Proposition 

(San Francisco Chronicle.) 
Young man, 28, wishes the acquaintance of a lonely, stout lady; 
object mat. Box 500, Chronicle Branch, San Jose. 

Hand In Hand 

(From the Bald Knob, Ark., Eagle.) 
A jolly bunch of our young people went on a kodaking expedi- 
tion Sunday that resulted in many exposures and a very enjoy- 
able time. 

$ & ''.' 

Like Dimples, They Come High 

(From the Graeeville, Minn., Enterprise.) 
Born — To Mr. and Mrs. G. C. Heimann, Sunday, August 7th, a 

son. 

You can get one this month only for $40.00. See Chris. Nelson, 

The Tailor. 

• * * 

The timid girl appreciates the sympathy 
that makes a man feel for her in the dark. 



60 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 



iiuimimiiiiiiminim 



Bargain Day 

The late Cy Warman, who deserted railway 
literature for a real railway job in Montreal, 
told this story at a luncheon not long before 
his death: 

A Scotchman came upon an automobile over- 
turned at a railway crossing. Beside it lay a 
man all smashed up. 

"Get a doctor," he moaned. 

"Did the train hit you?" asked the Scotch- 
man. 

"Yes, yes; get a doctor." 

"Has the claim agent been here yet?" 

"No, no; please get a doctor." 

"Move over, you," said the Scot, "till I lie 

down beside you." 

* * * 

A Letter in Meter 

There are meters of accent, 

There are meters of tone, 
But the best way to meet her 

Is to meter alone. 

There are letters of accent 

There are letters of tone, 
But the best way to letter 

Is to letter alone, 

(c * ♦ ■ --* 

Page the Weather Boy! 

The fancy display in hosiery on a rainy day 
affects a man's eyes to such an extent that he 
is always anxious to see it clear up. 

^ sfc % 

Playing with loaded dice is shaky business at best. 



Captain Billys Whiz Bang 61 



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Ain't It the Truth? 

It usually takes a St. Patrick's Day parade 
longer to pass a bootlegging joint than any 

other point on the line of march. 

* * * 

The High Cost of Babies 

The following is an original advertisement 
appearing in the Genesee (Idaho) News: 

Eight Months' Warning. 
After October 1st, all babies C. O. P. 
W. H. Ehlen, M. D. 
H. Rouse, M. D. 

The Tattlers 

Age and her little brother will always tell 
on a girl. 

%: i£ i£ 

They nicknamed the baby Steamboat because 

they used a paddle behind. 

* * * 

A little boy wrote a composition on man and 
he said it was a person split half way up and 

who walks on the split end. 

* * * 

Something to Worry About 

The pulse of Napoleon is said to have made 
only 50 beats a minute. 

% St * 

According to new regulations in the British army, each 
soldier in barracks is allowed 600 cubic feet of air space, 
and if the diet of the British soldier is the same as that of 
the Yank, the 600 feet is none too much. 



s 



62 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 



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|[lllll|]lll[|lill]flillllillll!llllll[llllN!!li;i!i!I]|||IM 

Our Rural Mail Box 

ffllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllH 

Dorothy — Your friend has been spoofing 
you. Beware of freak poker games. If you 
want to bet, cross the line to Tiajuana. 

* # * 

George — Stick 'em under the mattress to 

crease 'em but don't have the baby in bed. 

* * * 

Stock Clerk — There is only one sure way of 
making money following the ponies. 

Madame Bozo — Stout women should not 
wear tight waists. Sizes up to 48 bust in base- 
ment. 

* =fc * 

Howsitt Pheal — You won't mind wearing 
amber glasses in the Islands, Howsitt, you'll 
get color blind anyhow. 

Dottie — When he begins by saying, "Little 
girl, I'm old enough to be your father" — well, 
look out! 

George — It is rude for a man to fall asleep 
while his wife is talking, but a man has to sleep 
some time. 



Caplain Billy's Whiz Bang 63 



Nisbet — You're like the Scotchman who 
said "Don't be backward in coming forward." 

* * * 

Luscious Lizzie — It is not considered cor- 
rect table manners to blow on your coffee to 
cool it. You had better pour it in your saucer. 

^ ^ * 

Silas Sawyer — Chewing tobacco is all right 
in its place. Refrain, however, from using it 
for decorative purposes. 

Al B. Kirk — A Whuzzat is a trained tobacco- 
chewing dog employed by the Southern Railway 
to run alongside of fast express trains to spit 
on the coach trucks to keep the hot boxes from 
burning. 

* ♦ % 

Fat Man — Your meaning is not quite clear. 
Do I understand you to say you cannot dance 
except with a concave partner? 

* * * 

Johnny — I can't use your story of the stove- 
pipe. It isn't clean. 

* * * 

Sapp — If you want a set of teeth inserted, 
would advise that you go and kick some cross 

bull dog. 

* * * 

Restauranteur — A swell meal would be dried 
apples and water, and you can get a chicken 
dinner for ten cents at any feed store. 



A Christmas Gift! 



Whiz Bang's greatest book — The Winter An- 
nual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22 — hot off the 
press. Orders are now being mailed. There will 
be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your 
news stand's quota is sold out — 

PIN A DOLLAR BILL 

Or your check, money order or stamps 
To the coupon on the opposite page. 

And receive our 256-page bound volume of 
jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag 
and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever 
put in print. 

REMEMBER, FOLK 

Last year our Annual (which was only one- 
fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out 
on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, 
and not a copy could be bought anywhere in the 
United States within ten days. 

So hurry up! First Come will be First Served! 

Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to 
the Whiz Bansr Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn. 



Don't write for early back copies of our regular issues. 
We haven't any left. 



Our Winter 
Annual 



In addition to republication of gems of earlier Issues 

of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter 

Annual of this great family journal : contains a large 

Variety of brand new jokes, jests, jfngles, pot pourrl, 

ies and smokehouse poetry. . This book, Pedigreed 

-1-22, contains four times as much reading 

ma: ie regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells 

dollar per copy. It is a book which will be 

.die a to come, and holds 

a of red-blooded poetry yet put in 

print. Included in the list are: 

Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, 
The Shooting of Dan McSrew, The Harpy, La sea (in full), 
The Girl In the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith's "Evo- 
lution," Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy 
Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling's "The 
Ladies," Toledo Slim. 

Orders are now being received and wiTI be mailed in 

ed. Ttar off the 
■nd mail to us today with your check, 
der or stamps. 



Whiz Bang, 

Robbinsdale, Minnesota. 

jsed Is dollar bill, check,- mo/iey order or stamps 
for $1.0v oh ptsa'se send rr-.e the Winter Annual 

; Follies of 
1921-22." 



me. 






Atfdres 



Everywhere ! 

Whiz Bang is on sale 
at all leading hotels, 
news stands, 25 cents 
single copies; on trains 
30 cents, or may be 
ordered direct from 
the publisher at 25 
cents single copies; 
two-fifty a year. 

One dollar for the 
WINTER ANNUAL. 



; 



■£S